High performers are ambitious, have special gifts, a strong drive, and a strong desire to achieve what they want. What makes high performers capable as thinkers, innovators, achievers, and entrepreneurs? What drives them to succeed? Are they ego driven instead of value driven? The answer depends on how you define success.
My breaking point
I am quite ambitious and have been driven by this almost manic force that made me strive to do hard things, to outwork others and to handle a lot of stress. I thought that I had it under control, until I found myself at the San Francisco airport and felt my left arm and neck go numb, my heart started beating fast, and I was hyperventilating. I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to get a full checkup and the EKG results turned out to be normal, but my doctor said that if I didn’t learn how to reduce my stress, I would have a heart attack soon. This was the moment when I knew that something had to change in my life.
Ego driven ambition
What was this driving force pushing me close to the edge? Where did the desire come from? I grew up in the of the 70s and 80s and struggled with undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia. I couldn’t sit still and focus on anything if I was not interested. This made it very difficult for me to perform academically. I felt disrespected by my teachers and peers who didn’t believe in me, I was emotionally out of control and felt unenabled to succeed. As an adult I overcompensated for those feelings from my childhood and I wanted to ensure that I had respect, control and I was successful. The force that was actually driving me was my bruised ego. This is not by the Freudian definition of the ego, but Ryan Holiday describes it in his excellent book Ego Is the Enemy as “The ego we see most commonly goes by a more casual definition: an unhealthy belief in our own importance. Arrogance. Self-centered ambition.”
Do you have an Ego?
We all have an ego, and it is easy identifiable, just ask yourself:
Do I feel jealousy when others thrive?
Do I need to be right during arguments?
Do I not listen to understand, but am I just waiting to jump in to say what I have to say?
Do I compare myself to others who I feel are better than me (more attractive, more intelligent, happier, have more money)?
Do I compare myself to others who I feel are not as good as me (less attractive, less intelligent, less money)?
Do I set myself impossible goals and then beat myself up when I don’t reach them?
Do I blame others when things don’t turn out how I expect them to?
Our ego makes life harder for us
Our ego is why we feel like we don’t have everything we want, and why what we do have is not enough, and why we feel like something is always missing. Our ego is deeply wrapped up into who we think we are. When something threatens our ego, we get defensive, and our ego tries to maintain the boundaries of who we think we are. Even though when we are “successful”, and achieve what we think we want, it comes with significant stress - at the cost of our health, our own wellbeing, issues with our family and relationships.
Success and big ego
What about people like Elon Musk, Kanye West, Mark Zuckerberg, or Steve Jobs, don’t they have big egos? Aren’t they “successful?” The question is how we define success. Is one truly successful when one is delusional, narcissistic, or detached? Or how about the people who not long ago were seen as successful, and from the outside seemed like they had it all? People such as Harvey Weinstein, Mario Batali, Elizabeth Holmes, or Anthony Bourdain? Everyone has their own definition of success. Mine is - being at peace and understanding yourself, inspiring others, and improving the world, even in a small way.
High performers recognize their ego?
High performers can stop and recognize when their ego is bruised or controlling their actions. Our ego makes us overestimate our own abilities and worth, and underestimates the effort and skill required to achieve our goals. High performers can redirect and put their ego’s fear to the side. When we are aware of our ego and have accepted ourselves then there is nothing to hide and no ego to bruise. Ryan Holiday in the Ego Is the Enemy sums it up nicely: “When we remove ego, we’re left with what is real. What replaces ego is humility, yes—but rock-hard humility and confidence. Whereas ego is artificial, this type of confidence can hold weight. Ego is stolen. Confidence is earned. Ego is self-anointed, its swagger is artifice. One is girding yourself, the other gaslighting. It’s the difference between potent and poisonous.”
High performers are ambitious, have special gifts, a strong drive, and achieve what they want. High performers who don’t act out of fear understand what drives them to succeed. Their drive is not based on their ego, but of their core values. This enables them to be free and embrace the vast opportunities of life.
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