These days, many of us have been struggling with a lack of motivation, focus, and joy. I felt like this most of this year and couldn't pinpoint what was causing it. It didn't feel like burnout or depression. Instead, I felt somewhat joyless and lost. A recent article in the New York Times called it languishing. "A sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you're muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield." I was tired of feeling this way, so I relied on five coping techniques I learned that helped me, and I hope they help you.
1. Life is short and precious
The pandemic made it clear how little control we have over our lives and that our circumstances can change in a heartbeat. All of us have been impacted in ways that would have been unimaginable a few years ago. The most difficult one for me was that I could not visit my aging parents who live in Germany. I took for granted that I could hop on a plane if I wanted to see them. I started to think about my last visits with them and how I would have been more present if I had known what was coming.
Seneca, one of my favorite Roman Stoic philosophers, wrote in On the Shortness of Life: "You live as if you were destined to live forever, no thought of your frailty ever enters your head, of how much time has already gone by you take no heed. You squander time as if you drew from a full and abundant supply, though all the while that day which you bestow on some person or thing is perhaps your last." I realized that I haven't been spending enough time with the people I love, and even when I do that, I am not fully present. This recognition is vital to evaluate what and how I do what we do. What is meaningful to me? Life is too short to waste any moment.
2. I am responsible for my happiness
One of the most important epiphanies I made this year was when I finally understood that if I wanted to achieve contentment in life and in myself, I can't rely on my partner, job, or anything external to achieve it. It is not the people I am with, or the situation I find myself in that dictates my happiness. My perceived happiness is directly linked to how I process and think about my experiences and relationships. We can't hold others accountable or expect them to fix this for us. If we do, then we will never feel content in life.
In Meditations, the Roman emperor and stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius wrote a series of private notes to himself, "You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength". We are the only ones with power over our minds. When we externalize our problems, we believe that things should be a specific way. Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, and Kaley Klemp wrote in The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership: "Taking responsibility means locating the cause and control of our lives in ourselves, not in external events." When we move away from blaming, criticizing, and being the victim, we change our environment around us and invite others to do the same.
3. I need to find beauty in the small moments
Working from home during the pandemic makes every day feel like precisely the day before: wake up, make coffee, exercise, zoom calls, spend time with the family, make dinner, Netflix, go to bed, rinse and repeat. I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day. I no longer commute to the office, don't travel for work, only occasionally go-to dinners, and never to parties. Life appears to be filled with everyday routines and responsibilities, an infinite amount of potentially tedious day-to-day tasks: no more highlights, no more Instagrammable events. Every day is the same.
Instead of falling into frustrating boredom, learning to appreciate every day can be vital in regaining joy. Every day seems the same; we don't see and hear or observe the repetitive qualities of the day. However, it doesn't have to be this way; we can pay attention to every moment as if it is our first and change our perception. Engrossing ourselves fully in the present instead of being distracted has the power to focus, relax and provide us enjoyment. The trick is to find pleasure in the little things and to transform these into highlights. Jon Kabat-Zinn, the renowned professor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, wrote – "The little things? The little moments? They aren't little."
4. I suffer when I believe my thoughts
We are conditioned to fear. Through thousands of years, the human brain's amygdala has evolved into a threat detection system that looks out for danger. According to Dan Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence, we continually examine our environment, looking for threats. Unfortunately, these thoughts often manifest themselves into stress and drive us to make decisions based on fear. Byron Katie, the author of Loving What Is, wrote, "I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn't believe them I didn't suffer and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that."
I found her simple method of self-inquiry, known as "The Work," extremely helpful in evaluating my stressors. She recommends that you write down your stressful thoughts and then ask yourself the following four questions:
Question 1: Is it true? Is the belief or assumption you wrote down true?
Question 2: Can you absolutely know it's true? Push yourself to open your mind and to go deeper into the unidentified, to find the answers that are beneath what you think you know.
Question 3: How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?
You start to see the inner cause and effect. What do you feel? How do you treat the situation or decision you have written about and treat yourself when you believe that thought?
Question 4: Whom would you be without the thought? Imagine yourself without believing the thought. How would your life be different?
5. Daily meditation practice can transform the brain and cement positive habits
Meditation has become the foundation for how to approach living my life better. It is a mental training practice that teaches us to slow down our racing thoughts, let go of negativity, and calm our minds and bodies. It rewires our brain to live in the present moment rather than being captured by our thoughts.
Sam Harris, the neuroscientist and mediation app creator of Waking Up, wrote: "Until you have some capacity to be mindful, you have no choice but to be lost in every next thought that arises." We aren't able to notice thought as thought; it just feels like us. Therefore, we are prisoners to whatever our thoughts' emotional or behavioral consequences. Meditation helps us focus on being aware of what we are sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. Practicing mediation involves breathing methods and other techniques. It has been shown to moderate anxiety and depression, improve cognitive function, and even produce changes in gray matter density in regions of the brain related to learning and memory, emotional regulation, and self-awareness.
As the pandemic lingers and the news continues to be filled with constant negativity, it has been a challenge to wake up and start the day with excitement in the morning. However, through my work with my clients and myself, I found that integrating a daily practice that reminds us of what is real and essential in our lives can be extremely helpful in these trying times.
--------------------
If you found this valuable, sign up for my email list, and I'll send you the new posts right when they come out.
If you are looking for a coach and are interested in working with me, please contact me.
-------------------
If you enjoyed it, please share it with others.
Comments