Is the Story that You are Telling Yourself Holding You Back?

Updated: Apr 12, 2023

As humans, we all have a worldview, a notion of who we are and how we relate to the world around us. Our experiences, upbringing, culture, and beliefs shape this worldview. However, sometimes we hold on to this worldview or notion of self even when it no longer serves us. It is essential to recognize that the self is a story we tell ourselves, which can be changed. We can let go of the beliefs and thoughts that no longer serve us and adopt new ones that empower us.

What Shaped My Sense of Self

My dyslexia and undiagnosed ADHD shaped my sense of self. My parents and teachers treated me like I was lazy and no good. This made me believe I was not good enough, unintelligent, and incapable of success. This led to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. In college, I decided never to feel like this again and started structuring my life to do everything as perfectly as possible. For most of my life, my success was driven by this fear of failure. Only recently, I realized that being driven by fear limits and leads to missed opportunities and regrets.

"The more we cling to the idea of a fixed self, the more we suffer. Letting go of this illusion is the key to liberation." - Sharon Salzberg

Why We Stick To What We Know Even When It Hurts Us

Our view of ourselves is deeply ingrained in our psyche, providing us with familiarity, comfort, and security. We tend to prefer the devil we know over the devil we don't know, even if the former does not benefit us or constantly hurts us. Even though the fear of failure was hurting me, I didn’t want to free myself from it. I didn’t know how to live without that fear. Changing our sense of self requires effort, cognitive flexibility, and a willingness to challenge our assumptions and biases. It can be uncomfortable and unsettling to confront our deeply held beliefs, and many people would instead stick to what they know, even if it is detrimental to their well-being.

How Awareness of Our Thoughts Shapes Our Reality

Practicing meditation and mindfulness is helping me to become more aware of my thoughts and beliefs and how they shape my worldview. Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. This training can help us see how our thoughts create our reality and how they can limit us.

"Meditation is not about stopping your thoughts, but rather about changing your relationship to them." – Sam Harris.

Embracing Openness and Continuous Learning to Challenge Our Worldview and Sense of Self

Another way to challenge our worldview is to be open and commit to continuous learning instead of insisting on being right. It means being receptive to the ideas of others and being willing to entertain the possibility that our beliefs and assumptions may be incorrect or incomplete. My low self-esteem made this difficult, as it requires us to set aside our ego and acknowledge that we don't have all the answers. However, we are more likely to learn and grow when we are open to different opinions and beliefs. Doing so expands our understanding of the world and ourselves. By constantly questioning our assumptions and seeking new information, we can broaden our horizons and become more well-rounded. Several techniques can help you become more open and committed to continuous learning:

Be true to yourself and your values, and use your strengths and abilities to drive your learning and growth.
Set specific learning goals that align with your personal and professional aspirations. This will help you stay focused and motivated as you achieve your objectives.
Develop self-awareness by reflecting on your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and be willing to receive feedback from others. This can help you identify areas for improvement and accelerate your learning.
View failure as an opportunity to learn and grow. When you see it as that, nothing is a failure. Analyze what went wrong and use the experience to make better decisions and take more effective actions in the future.
Listen actively and empathetically to others to better understand their perspectives and learn from their experiences.
Take ownership of your learning and growth, and recognize that you are responsible for your success and development.

"The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge." - Stephen Hawking

The Power of Acceptance

How often do we say, but this “should be” a certain way? Rather than insisting on things being a certain way, acceptance allows us to let go of our need for control and find peace in the present moment. When we adopted our son Kade, I had the exact expectations of him as any parent has of their children. I assumed he could eat most of his food by mouth. He would know how to talk. He would be able to read. But I quickly learned that he could not do any of those things. He has trouble eating orally and has a feeding tube. But this didn’t change anything about my love for him, and it taught me acceptance. It also had a surprising effect on the relationship I had with my older son, Sebastian. I started to also accept him for who he was and stopped projecting my expectations onto him.

Letting Go Of Control and Accepting Life

Most things in life are outside our control, and our insistence on controlling them only leads to frustration and disappointment. By accepting the things we cannot change, we can focus on what we can control and make the most of every situation. Acceptance also allows us to be more compassionate and understanding towards others as we let go of the need to judge or criticize them for not meeting our expectations. Ultimately, acceptance is a critical ingredient in living a happy and fulfilling life, as it frees us from the burdens of our expectations and allows us to embrace life as it is.

"Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well." – Epictetus.

Letting go of our worldview or notion of self and adopting new ones that empower us is crucial for a more prosperous and happier life. By recognizing that the self is a story, we are telling ourselves, practicing mindfulness, staying open, continuously learning, and accepting, we can let go of the beliefs and thoughts that no longer serve us and adopt new ones that empower us.

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