Why We Keep Falling for Narcissistic Leaders and How to Promote Real Ones

Narcissist

In my coaching practice, I work with capable, emotionally intelligent leaders who are often overlooked, not because they lack results, but because they don’t dominate meetings or make everything about themselves. Many of them work for narcissistic bosses, leaders who avoid responsibility, take credit for others’ work, and care more about optics than outcomes. 

Over time, many of these clients ask me the same question: Do you have to be a narcissist to be successful?

For many individuals, this question isn't just hypothetical; they experience it daily. Working under a narcissistic leader impacts more than career growth—it can significantly undermine self-esteem. Over time, competent executives start doubting their judgment, minimizing their achievements, and wondering if there's something wrong with them.

When credit is routinely taken, feedback is inconsistent or self-serving, and success feels arbitrary, people internalize the wrong story. They assume the problem is with them, not the environment. 

I see leaders who were once decisive and self-assured become hesitant, overly cautious, or invisible. This is not because they are not good at their jobs, but because pleasing their bosses is impossible. Left unexamined, this can reshape how people see their own value long after they leave the role. And it doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

We’ve built cultures that respond to what’s loud and obvious, not what’s thoughtful and effective. We elevate confidence over competence, noise over value, and visibility over the discipline of real leadership.

It’s time to question how we define and promote leadership.

If You’re Working Under a Narcissistic Leader

I often help my clients navigate working with narcissists. While it is not possible to change the narcissist, you can safeguard your contributions and intentionally steer your path forward.

• Affirm before challenging. Acknowledge something they value, visibility, decisiveness, recognition, before presenting new ideas or expressing disagreement. It lowers resistance.

• Document outcomes. Narcissists often deflect blame and claim credit. Be precise about your role and the results you deliver. Create visibility in writing, not just in meetings.

• Stick to data and logic. Emphasize business outcomes, risk management, and strategic alignment. Avoid emotional reasoning; it often gets dismissed.

If You’re a Decision-Maker: Promote Real Leaders

The best leaders I coach aren’t trying to be seen; they’re focused on improving outcomes, building strong teams, and staying accountable. Yet they’re often overlooked in systems built on visibility and self-promotion.

Seek out individuals who enhance their colleagues' work and thinking, fostering a collaborative and innovative environment. They share credit generously and accept responsibility wholeheartedly, demonstrating accountability. Instead of resisting feedback, they adapt and improve, showing resilience and a growth mindset. True leadership is not defined by who speaks first but by those who consistently promote clarity, stability, and high performance over time, inspiring others through their actions.

Why We Need More Women in Leadership

Many of the traits undervalued in traditional leadership assessments - humility, reflection, empathy, and shared decision-making - are exactly the strengths women often bring to leadership roles. Yet many are still passed over because they don’t match outdated models of “executive presence.”

Consider the research:

• Women are less likely to exhibit narcissistic traits and more likely to lead through collaboration and accountability.

• Teams led by women report higher psychological safety and trust.

• Countries led by women managed early COVID challenges more effectively — combining decisiveness with empathy.

• Peace agreements involving women are 35% more likely to last.

If You’re Not a Narcissist — But You Want to Be Seen

This is what I share with high-integrity professionals who find it difficult to stand out in narcissistic environments.

• Make your work visible without self-aggrandizing. Don’t assume great work speaks for itself. It doesn’t. Use data, outcomes, and context to show what you did and why it mattered.

• Practice strategic self-advocacy. Highlight contributions in regular 1:1s. Use phrases like: “One thing I’m proud of this quarter is…” or “Here’s something the team accomplished under my guidance…”

• Build internal advocates. Nurture relationships with people who’ve seen your work. Ask for their input, and let them know where you want to grow. Visibility is more sustainable when others help create it.

• Speak in terms of impact, not effort. Leadership recognizes results, not effort.

You don’t need to become someone you’re not. But you do need to make your value visible in a way that aligns with how organizations make decisions.

What Needs to Change

The problem isn’t just that narcissists rise. It’s that we’re still unclear about what real leadership looks like. When clients ask me whether you have to be a narcissist to be successful, my answer is no, but I understand why it feels that way. 

Organizational psychologist Adam Grant explored this in a recent New York Times opinion piece, noting that we consistently reward confidence and visibility, even when those traits mask self-interest and undermine long-term performance.

Adam Grant put it clearly:

“Narcissists are ball hogs and glory hounds. They take credit, assign blame, and put themselves above the group. They see leadership as an opportunity to seize, not a responsibility to serve.”

I’ve seen the cost of rewarding this in my own corporate career, and I’ve seen what happens when we elevate leaders who coach, challenge, and support others with clarity and consistency. If we want better leaders, we have to reward better behaviors.

So ask yourself (or your organization):

• Who improves others’ performance, not just their own visibility?

• Who builds trust, creates accountability, and listens under pressure?

• Who leads with a steady hand, even if they’re not the first to speak?

Organizations don’t suffer from a lack of leadership talent. They lack clarity about what leadership actually is. If we want cultures that perform, adapt, and endure, we need to stop confusing presence with leadership and start rewarding those who create stability, clarity, and trust over time. That shift won’t happen accidentally. It happens one promotion decision at a time.

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