Why do we need others’ approval? Why do we desire “likes” on our social posts, crave praise from friends and colleagues or still want our parents’ admiration even after we are adults? Most of us seek approval from others to confirm that we are on the right track, that we are successful, accepted, smart or even “cool.” This need for approval is often the core motivation behind what we do in life. But should it be? Is it possible to be our best when we are not true to ourselves?
Not Good Enough
Most of my life, I lived with this unsettling energy that I had to constantly do more, work harder, or be smarter. I thought that this unsettled feeling was my drive to succeed. I defined success as – being a CEO, respected as an industry thought leader, running global divisions, and travelling all over the world. While I was monetarily successful, it cost me my health, my well being and caused issues with my family and relationships. I spent very little time evaluating what I truly wanted for myself and who I wanted to be. I did what I thought I was “supposed” to do, rather than what I wanted to do.
Learned Behavior
Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills in their short, but excellent book - The Four Agreements explain that as kids we learn from our parents through a system of punishment and reward. We are told, “You’re a good boy,” or “You’re a good girl,” when we do what our parents want us to do and when we don’t, then we are “a bad girl” or “a bad boy.” When we didn’t abide by the rules we were punished and when we did, we got rewarded. This conditioned us to fear punishment and craving rewards. The reward is the attention we received from our parents, friends, coaches, and teachers. Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills writes: “We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.”
As adults, we no longer need others to punish us when we fail to meet their expectations. We internalize this behavior, so that we continuously punish ourselves. This self-rejection makes us believe that we are not good enough. This causes us to be nervous about trying new things out of fear of failure. Adhering to this construct leads us to miss enormous opportunities. When we seek others’ approval, we neglect the opportunity to learn to approve of ourselves, even when others don’t.
Impossible to Live by Others Standards
High performers, consistently get what they want, but it can come at the expense of their own well being, friends, and family. Those that are self-aware realize that it is impossible to live by other people’s standards and recognize that they can’t be very good at being something that doesn’t fulfill their own desires. Hale Dwoskin the New York Times best-selling author of The Sedona Method said, “You cannot go anywhere to get what you already have, and you cannot do anything to become what you already are.” When the acceptance of others impacts how we make decisions on how to spend our time, we lose awareness of what’s important to us, what drives us, and what we value. We can feel stuck doing work we don’t enjoy and continue habits that don’t serve us. High performers understand that this is not an intellectual exercise, but an exercise of getting in tune with their hearts. The heart tells us what we truly want, how we want to feel, what work we want to do, how to be with our partner, our kids and how to spend our time. Once we recognize this, we can live with a lot less stress and can become true to ourselves.
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I think it's an interesting question because you can obviously abuse the need for approval to the point of becoming very depressed. On the other hand, we can over-demonize it. One of the things that differentiate us from animals is our capacity to be empathetic. We are social beings and the need for approval is not new to the social media era.
I think the key is to strike a balance between this need for social approval and personal freedom. And it's very challenging to get there when your inner Punisher In Chief wields its power over you and makes you feel awkward. We are either too old, too fat, too poor, too petty.... the list is long and cruel.