What If the Life You’ve Built Isn’t Yours?

StevenMiyao
Apr 14
5 min read

It’s a quiet question that most of us avoid — until life forces us to face it.

Maybe it comes through burnout. A relationship shift. An unexpected accident. The loss of a job. Something that shakes the foundation we’ve built our identity on, and suddenly, we’re left asking: Who am I if I’m not this?

For Marni Battista, it came through a fall — a ski accident that left her immobile and in bed for nine weeks, unable to move, stripped of the busyness and achievement that once gave her a sense of worth. And in that stillness, what emerged wasn’t just discomfort — it was clarity. A deeper reckoning with who she really was, and the life she truly wanted to live.

In my conversation with Marni — a transformational coach, speaker, and author of Your Radical Living Challenge — we explored what it means to radically reimagine your life, especially in midlife. From letting go of ego-based “needs” to experimenting with new ways of living, from rebuilding her business to reinventing her marriage through shared values, Marni walked us through the deeply personal (and often uncomfortable) process of aligning with what truly matters.

The Collapse That Wakes Us Up

Marni described the moment as a kind of identity-free fall. With her mobility taken away, so too went the external markers she had long relied on — productivity, achievement, and forward motion.

“If I’m not this thing I think I am,” she asked, “then what am I?”

I’ve felt this, too — and I imagine many of you have. Whether through losing a job, a shift in health, or even reaching a certain age milestone, life has a way of stripping away what’s familiar so we can see more clearly what’s true.

The Jenga tower we’ve carefully built—career, success, relationships, status—suddenly loses a block, and we realize how fragile it all is when built on things outside of ourselves.

Designing a Life That Feels Like Yours

During her healing, Marni grappled with a painful question: Is this all my life will be? That moment led her and her husband on a journey of exploration using design thinking—a tool often used in innovation but just as powerful in reimagining our lives.

They asked each other: What are our peak life experiences? And what they discovered shocked them — the best parts of their lives only happened a couple of times a year. Vacations. Escapes. Moments carved out from the grind.

Why weren’t they building a life centered on joy, connection, and presence?

That question led to a year-long experiment living in an RV. But more importantly, it led to a redefinition of what they needed — and a release of everything they thought they did.

Creating Instead of Consuming

One of my favorite insights from our conversation was about creation vs. consumption. It’s easy to think of creation as making something — a project, a business, a plan. But Marni reframed it beautifully: creation is about being present. It's about creating space for connection, joy, and truth to emerge.

We often use consumption — even “productive” consumption — to avoid it. But in those quiet, creative moments, we rediscover what we’ve discarded: the parts of ourselves left behind to fit in, keep up, or stay safe.

The Shopping Cart of Identity

Marni uses a beautiful metaphor in her work — the shopping cart of identity. Over our lives, we fill it with labels, expectations, and roles handed to us: smart, strong, self-sufficient. And we avoid what we’ve been told we’re not — emotional, sensitive, dependent.

At midlife, we have the chance to unpack that cart. To ask: Is this really me? And if not, what do I want to put back in?

That reflection has been true in my own journey, too — especially as I moved from corporate life into coaching. When I stopped striving for what looked good and started listening to what felt true, a completely different vision of success began to take shape.

Rebuilding Relationships with Intention

One of the most touching parts of Marni’s story was how this journey transformed her marriage. As they redesigned their lives, they also had to redesign their relationship—moving from autopilot to conscious partnership.

It reminded me of conversations with my wife — how we’ve had to remind ourselves, again and again, that we are allies. That growth may look different for each of us, but we’re in this together. What matters is creating a life where both shared goals and individual dreams have space to thrive.

The Radical Questions That Guide Us

Marni introduces seven powerful questions in her book that can guide us toward a life of meaning. They include:

Did you seek wisdom?
Were you being your authentic self?
Were you radically honest?
Did you busy yourself with creation?
Did you make time for your spiritual life?
Were you hopeful?
Did you count the blessings?

For Marni, the hardest was staying hopeful — especially when the results didn’t come quickly. For me, it’s often being radically honest about what I’m feeling, instead of defaulting to what I’ve been conditioned to show.

Which one is hardest for you?

Let’s Live the Questions

What struck me most from this conversation is something I’ve seen in my own life and the lives of many clients:

Clarity doesn’t come from thinking. It comes from action.

You don’t have to have it all figured out before you begin. You just have to begin. To try. To explore. To get still long enough to hear the whisper underneath the noise — before it becomes a scream.

And when it gets hard? As Marni says: You can do hard shit. We all can.

Reflection Questions

What part of your identity feels fragile — and is it time to rebuild?
Are you creating space for joy, stillness, and presence in your daily life?
What’s in your shopping cart of identity that doesn’t belong to you?
Which of Marni’s seven questions feels hardest to answer — and why?

Final Thoughts

When I turned 50, it hit me: This isn’t rehearsal. This is the life. And if we don’t choose to live it on purpose, we’ll end up living someone else’s version of it.

Whether you're going through a major life transition or just feeling that quiet nudge that something needs to shift — you are not alone. The invitation is here: get curious. Get honest. And maybe, get a little radical.

Let’s keep walking this journey together — and you're navigating your own “what’s next” moment — I’d love to support you. This is exactly the kind of work I do with clients in transition. Reach out anytime if you’re ready for a conversation.

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