A Father’s Day Reflection: What Will My Kids Remember About Me?

StevenMiyao
2 days ago
5 min read

Most parents I coach struggle with the same things: trying to be the best parent, figuring out how to take care of their aging parents, navigating work transitions, and the unspoken pressure of being able to manage everything without falling apart.

I can relate to them because I’m going through the same thing.

I help Kade get ready in the morning, he still can’t dress himself because he has special needs. My daughter lives on the West Coast, and I try to stay up late to talk to her even when I’m exhausted. I try my best to be emotionally present for my kids, but it’s not always easy when I’m going through my own challenges. I try to be there for my wife, who is also in the trenches with me. I support my 85-year-old mother, who is in Germany. I feel guilty about not doing enough when I live so far away. And then, my job is to show up fully for the people I coach, even when I feel stretched thin.

It’s a full life, and some days, I’m deeply grateful for that fullness. Other days, it overwhelms me. I move through it all with a sense of responsibility and deep love for my family.

What Will They Remember?

Today is Father’s Day. And while I appreciate the messages, the cards, and the gestures, what I’m thinking about is more existential:

What will my kids remember about me?

Not what I provided, not how much I did, but how I made them feel, whether I was truly present, whether they felt seen.

“There’s only one version of you. The person at home is the same one leading teams and making decisions at work.”

That’s why my recent conversation with Mark Hsu stayed with me. Mark is a parent, lawyer, and author of Please Open in the Event of My Death. Years ago, when his daughters were just three and four, he started to write a book, driven by the fear that if something happened to him, they might not remember who he was. What began as a deeply personal project became a thoughtful, funny, and honest reflection on parenthood, presence, and the legacy we hope to leave behind.

Our conversation wasn’t about having all the answers. It was about being willing to ask better questions.

What This Stage of Life Asks of Us

My clients are navigating the same responsibilities: parenting, caregiving, leadership, and identity. On paper, many are successful. But beneath that success is often the same question:

Am I being who I want to be, in my home, work, and relationships?

And here’s the truth: there’s no clean separation. How we show up in one area of life ripples into the others.

If we’re disconnected at home, it eventually shows up in how we lead.

Five Reflections for Any Midlife Parent

Here are a few takeaways from my conversation with Mark (a link to the full podcast is in the comment section) that spoke directly to this midlife tension and might resonate with you too:

1. What if fear is trying to help you?

Mark didn’t try to push fear away. He used it as a prompt. Writing his book became a way to articulate what mattered most, before it was too late. Sometimes, fear asks us to pay closer attention. He feared his daughters might not remember him if something happened, so he wrote down his values, stories, and hopes. That fear turned into something lasting.

“I identified all these qualities that are important to me: humility, integrity, kindness. Once I wrote those down, I started focusing on them a lot more in how I was parenting. It created this really positive snowball effect.”

2. What moments will your kids remember?

Mark shared that what stuck with his daughters from a family trip wasn’t the destination, it was a moment when he lost his temper over seasickness pills. It reminded me that what we model in those unintended moments is often what lasts.

“We go to this beautiful island, and what they remember is me getting mad because they wouldn’t take these gigantic horse pills. That’s the memory. And it hit me—kids don’t remember what you want them to.”

3. What if presence isn’t about saying the right thing?

Mark described walking his daughters to school, to make sure he had the time to connect with them. They didn’t always talk to him, but they knew he was there for them. Presence isn’t about performance. It’s about being consistent.

“When you're walking, and you just start asking random questions, the conversations you’ll have can be really surprising… Even if they don’t talk much, they know you’re there.”

4. What does trust look like in parenting?

Letting kids figure things out, even when it’s hard to watch, is an act of trust. Mark admitted how uncomfortable that can be. But giving space is part of showing belief in who they’re becoming, not just controlling how they get there.

“When you allow them to have control, it also signals to them that you trust them. And they try really hard not to abuse that trust.”

5. How do you act when you’re under pressure?

Your values aren’t revealed when everything is calm. They show up when you’re stretched, distracted, or overwhelmed. Kids may forget what you said, but they’ll remember how you handled stress. Did you come back to repair the damage? That’s what they’ll carry.

“They have to know things themselves… But I keep telling them, I won’t be there in college looking over your shoulder. So I have to model it now, even if I mess up.”

A Gentle Prompt for You

Whether you’re a father, a mother, or someone navigating this complex stage of life, here’s something simple you can do today:

Take five minutes to ask yourself:

What do I hope my kids (or partner, or future self) will remember about how I showed up?

Then ask: What’s one small way I can live more like that this week?

I help clients do this kind of work to be more effective leaders and feel more grounded, present, and whole. Because the truth is, personal work is professional work. We don’t get to compartmentalize our way to a meaningful life.

On Father’s Day, I’m Choosing to Pay Attention

I’m not making a list of things I need to fix. I’m not writing a new goal. I’m simply noticing.

How I show up in small, quiet moments.
How I respond when I’m tired or irritated.
Whether I’m making space or just moving through tasks.

That’s what Father’s Day is for me this year: a pause, a check-in, a reminder that the version of me my kids will remember is shaped by how I carry the ordinary moments, not just the big ones.

And that’s the kind of legacy I want to leave behind.

Mark Hsu’s book, Please Open in the Event of My Death, is available on Amazon. It’s wise, honest, and worth reading for any parent looking to live—and lead—with more intention.

If you found this valuable, sign up for my email list, and I'll send you the new posts as soon as they are published.

-------------------

If you are looking for a coach and are interested in working with me, please contact me here.