Still Us? Reimagining Your Relationship in Life's Next Chapter

StevenMiyao
May 25
7 min read

Couples can drift apart without realizing it, somewhere between careers, kids, and simply trying to keep life moving. My wife and I have gone through those phases, and I’ve noticed the same with my clients. It’s not a dramatic breakdown, but rather the gradual drift that occurs when the days become busy and the check-ins vanish. We became adept at managing the logistics: tracking appointments, coordinating school forms, and handling the grocery run. Yet, while we kept everything moving, something between us began to fade.

In coaching people through midlife transitions, questions like “Are we still us?” or “Who are we now?” come up often. Career shifts rarely happen in isolation, sparking a broader reevaluation of time, priorities, and identity. And that ripple inevitably reaches relationships. Big changes cause couples to pause and consider if they are still on the same page, especially when their old roles change or they have the quiet to notice it.

I met my wife, Sienna, on Match.com, before it was an app. You wrote your profile on a desktop, scanned in an actual photo, and hoped your dial-up held steady long enough to send a message. There were no selfies, no filters, just curiosity and the slow unfolding of something real.

We talked for hours. We felt so connected we joked, "I breathe air, you breathe air—this might be it." We laughed because we liked the same music, had similar values, and seemed to agree on almost everything. What mattered more was that what lasted wasn’t just the overlap, but the effort to stay connected when things weren’t so effortless.

Back then, connection felt simple, not because life was easy, but because we made time for it.

And then... life happened.

We did what most couples do: we kept moving. We built careers, raised kids, navigated moving apartments, and supported aging parents. Sometimes that drew us closer, other times, it made us feel disconnected in ways we didn’t always know how to name.

What follows isn't a list of tips. It’s a set of honest conversations to help you figure out where you are now and where you want to go. But the conversations are only part of it. The mindset you bring matters just as much as being willing to slow down, stay curious, or say something that feels risky. These prompts are just the starting point. What they reveal is where the real work and real connection take place.

Are we still us?

We need to make more space to reconnect, not just on the calendar. A date night doesn’t count if you’re both still on your phones. The harder part is carving out room to be honest: to ask something vulnerable, to say what’s been sitting unspoken, or to check in without trying to solve anything. That kind of space isn’t automatic. It has to be made.

Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness

We also need to take more responsibility for our own happiness, not because the relationship doesn’t matter, but because no one else can do that work for us. It’s easy to quietly expect our partner to make us feel better, especially when we don’t know what’s off. But often, what we need starts with ourselves.

Stop Hoping It’ll Just Work Out

Most of all, we need to stop assuming things will get better on their own. It’s easy to wait for things to calm down or feel easier. But if disconnection is setting in, time won’t fix it. What helps is showing up, open, even if a little clumsy, honest, or unsure of what to say.

Love Isn’t Just Sparks—It’s Showing Up

Love isn’t about being infatuated with each other all the time. That kind of intensity fades, and that’s not a failure; it’s just reality. The commitment to show up remains, especially when it’s not easy. It’s built in how we stay engaged, be honest, and keep learning from each other, even when life feels full or uncertain. That’s not about sparks. It’s about substance and still being able to look at each other and feel inspired, even in a small way. Like you’re a team. Like you’re still building something that matters.

The following eight conversations are adapted from the framework shared with me by one of my mentors, Keith Lawrence, a New York Times bestselling author and coach. His work has helped shape how I think about long-term connections and what it means to invest in a relationship with intention.

They’re the conversations we start having when we finally ask: Are we still us?

The Eight Conversations

Relationship Check-In: Where Are We, Really?

What’s the honest state of our connection—emotionally, physically, practically?
Where do we feel close? Where do we feel disconnected?
What old habits are we carrying that no longer serve us?

This isn’t about blame. It’s about being honest about where things stand now.

"I realized I’d become the COO of our household, not a partner. She didn’t say it outright, but I could feel the distance. That conversation was uncomfortable, but it helped us finally name what had gone quiet between us." – Ann, Global COO of a multinational packaged goods company

Reimagining "Home" Together

● Does our current environment support the life we want now?

● Are we in a place that brings us energy, or just keeps us stuck?

● What would it look like to shift the scenery, even in small ways?

This could be a move or just reclaiming part of the space to feel more like yours.

"I wanted to downsize, but she saw that as giving up everything we’d worked for. It wasn’t really about the house; it was about what it symbolized. We didn’t move, but we finally discussed what home needs to be now." – Peter, former head of Sales, mid-size asset manager

Day-to-Day Rhythms That Work for This Version of Us

What does a good day look like for each of us now?
How do we want to divide responsibilities going forward?
Are we making space for connection, or just passing each other in the hallway?

Your routine either supports your relationship or makes it harder to connect.

"We were managing everything, kids, work, the house, but not connecting. You helped us carve out just two intentional moments each week. It sounds small, but it gave us something we hadn’t had in years: time that felt like ours." – Susan, serial entrepreneur

Personal Growth + Shared Support

What’s each of us working on or looking forward to?
Are there changes or goals we haven’t talked about?
How can we be more available to support each other without over-functioning?

We can support each other without micromanaging or minimizing what matters.

"I wanted to take a creative break, but I was scared he wouldn’t get it. When I finally shared it, he told me he was afraid I’d leave him behind. That conversation changed everything, we both started reaching for more, with each other’s support." – Michael, CMO for multiple financial services companies

Navigating Family Roles + Boundaries

Are we aligned on what’s expected from us by adult kids, aging parents, siblings?
Where do we need clearer boundaries or better teamwork?
How do we support each other when these roles feel heavy?

You don’t have to carry it all, or carry it alone.

"I managed my dad’s care, two teenagers, and a full-time job, but never asked for help. In coaching, I finally admitted how heavy it felt. That led to a real conversation with my partner, and for the first time, I didn’t feel like I had to carry it all alone." – Jennifer, head of client relations, large wealth manager

Money, Meaning, and the Life We Want to Fund

What does financial security look like now?
Are we aligned on what we’re working toward?
Are we each equipped to navigate money independently if we had to?

Money doesn’t have to be a fight. It can be a shared lens on what matters.

"We never really talked about what money meant to us; we just assumed we were on the same page. Turns out, we weren’t. One of us was chasing freedom, the other, legacy. You helped us find a shared vision that honored both." – Brian, chief data scientist global tech firm

Energy, Health, and Taking Care of Each Other

How do we want to feel physically and emotionally in five or ten years?
What habits are helping? What are hurting?
Are we avoiding hard conversations about health or change?

This isn’t about control. It’s about awareness, care, and accountability.

"We were both exhausted, but pretending we were fine. I didn’t want to sound like I was nagging. He didn’t want to worry me. You helped us create simple routines that felt supportive, not stressful." – Steve, global brand manager

Practicing Change Without Blowing Everything Up

What could we try together or separately that might shift things?
Are there small experiments that could stretch or refresh us?
Are we still curious about who the other person is now?

Change doesn’t have to be dramatic. It just has to be honest.

"He wanted to move to a new role. I wasn’t sure I could start over. Instead of forcing a decision, we tried a 3-month trial. It gave us the clarity we needed, without us feeling like we had to sacrifice everything." – Megan, national accounts manager

Whatever season you're in, this is a way to come back together, not with big declarations or overhauls, but through steady, honest conversation. You don’t need to have the perfect answer or the perfect moment. Just a willingness to show up. That’s what my wife and I keep trying to do. To talk. To listen. And that effort alone is shifting everything.

You don’t have to know exactly how to fix things. But you can start by wondering out loud: what would it take to feel like us again?

These conversations aren’t separate from the other big questions we ask in midlife. They’re part of the same story.

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