Why Midlife Can Feel Lonely and How Reclaiming Friendship Changes Everything

My uncle, Axel Scholtz, with his friends

Our lives are full of responsibility: partners, kids, aging parents, yet what’s often missing in midlife is friendship, one of the strongest drivers of emotional resilience, physical health, and lasting fulfillment in midlife.

My 90-year-old uncle recently passed away, and I was in his apartment helping my mom and sister go through 52 years of his life. It was filled with memories. Most weren’t awards or accomplishments, but photos with friends: holidays, vacations, birthdays, and weddings.

That moment reminded me, and I see in my coaching work: the people in our lives matter more than anything we accomplish or accumulate. When we leave a company or shift industries, it’s rarely the work we miss, but the relationships that last only if we keep showing up.

We can’t separate the personal from the professional. When connection and friendship are missing, it doesn’t just affect our well-being; it shapes how we lead, make decisions, and bring presence and energy into every part of our lives.

That’s why I’m writing this. It’s a practical look at why friendship matters in midlife and how to make space for it in a full, demanding life. In my work, this is often the missing piece that unlocks clarity, resilience, and deeper fulfillment.

Friendship Isn’t a Bonus. It’s a Basic Need.

This is especially challenging in midlife, when we're busy caring for aging parents, managing the demands of raising children, and still working hard. We often lack interactions where we can fully relax and be ourselves. Friendship provides that space.

Real friendship isn’t transactional. These are the people you don’t benefit from financially or strategically, and don’t want to. They’re in your life because you genuinely care about each other and like who they are, not what they can offer.

One of my clients, an executive who pivoted away from his corporate gig, told me he didn’t miss the job, but the camaraderie he used to have: the casual check-ins with peers who had become more than just business contacts.

Why Friendship Becomes Harder in Midlife, But Also More Important

Most of us don’t have a lot of free time. Work expands. Family responsibilities grow. And our social bandwidth shrinks. This isn’t a scheduling problem; it’s structural.

Earlier in life, friendship came through shared roles: classmates, colleagues, fellow parents. But those roles shift, and we lose the structures that once made friendships easy. Attaching too tightly to them can blind us to new ways of connecting.

And reaching out can feel awkward. We tell ourselves:

·       They’re probably too busy.

·       I’m too busy.

·       It’s been too long.

But most people think the same thing. Silence usually isn’t disinterest; it's just inertia, and someone has to take the first step.

That’s precisely why friendship matters more now, not less. As our roles shift and our support systems thin out, we need connection not just for fun or nostalgia but also for resilience, emotional health, and a sense of being seen.

When Friendship Feels Like One More Task

Friendships don’t disappear for many parents because of a lack of care. They vanish under the weight of logistics. Personal connection feels like a luxury, something to revisit once things settle down.

Several clients have mentioned they don’t feel entitled to that time. But friendship isn’t indulgent; it’s restorative. It requires making it a priority. Some things that have helped my clients:

·       Stack it with life: Invite a friend on a walk, school drop-off, or errands.

·       Create a recurring low-lift touchpoint: A brief call during your commute or a voice memo after work.

·       Drop the guilt: You’re not taking time away from your life. You’re investing in your capacity to show up in it.

The Difference Between Contacts and Friends

When our kids were younger, we met people on the sidelines of soccer games or school events. And the only social setting that tends to remain is work, where relationships often come with some agenda.

I spent decades in asset management, building a network through events and client relationships. When I stepped away, I assumed many of those relationships would fade. To my surprise, some didn’t. A few people reached out to check in, no ask, no agenda. That reminded me that when someone reaches out without a reason, it’s often because the connection was real all along.

In-Person Connection Still Matters

One of my clients realized how much she missed open, unstructured connections. She started hosting monthly dinners with women she used to know from the industry and felt a real bond with. She told me,

“It’s the only thing I do right now that doesn’t feel like a task.”   

We often assume that a quick message or social media comment counts as staying in touch. And sometimes, it does. Conversation doesn't just get longer when we’re face to face; it gets more layered. In-person connection carries nuance. The pause before someone responds, the shift in body language, the shared silence that doesn’t need to be filled. These things don’t translate over text. Presence changes what we say and what we’re willing to say.

Surprisingly, Gen Z is leaning into real-life connections, as they say, “IRL.” Many are organizing “offline-only” hangouts to counter the constant scrolling. It’s a good reminder that a live conversation, without devices, distractions, or multitasking, can reset a friendship in ways digital tools just can’t.

We can learn from them. A 30-minute coffee, lunch, or quick drink is much more connecting than six months of passive texting. Consistency matters more than scale.

If You Want More Friendship, Ask Yourself:

Reconnect

• Who do I enjoy talking to, and when did I last do it?

• Who used to be part of my life that I quietly miss?

  
  

Reflect

• Where do I feel like I’m just going through the motions socially?

• Who gets my attention, and who should?

Act

• What’s one person I can call or meet this week?

• Am I showing how I’d want a friend to show up for me?

• Is there an old college or grad school friend I could contact, or a reunion or alumni event I’ve been meaning to say yes to?

  
  

Small Habits That Make It Easier

Here are a few things clients have used to rebuild friendships without adding pressure:

• Protect a recurring window: a monthly Friday morning coffee or a standing evening with other dads or moms in the neighborhood.

• Create a shared ritual, such as a seasonal dinner or quarterly hike. This will give structure without requiring planning every time.

• Lower the bar: Not every interaction has to be deep. Sometimes 15 minutes of unfiltered conversation is all it takes to feel more grounded.

Why Friendships Need to be a Priority

Ultimately, roles shift, responsibilities evolve, and even the most meaningful work chapters end. What often stays isn’t the job or the achievement; it’s the people we share it with.

Midlife doesn’t always make space for friendship, but it makes the need for it clearer. If you feel the absence of connection, that’s not a personal failing; it’s a structural reality. The only way through it is to be intentional. Reach out. Follow up. Make time, even when it’s hard.

You don’t need to overhaul your social life, but you do need to give it the attention it deserves. The strongest relationships rarely arrive by accident. They are built through small, consistent efforts.

If you're waiting for life to slow down before you reconnect, it likely won’t. But if you start now, even in small ways, those connections can grow alongside everything else that matters.

If this resonates, you’re not alone.

Even high achievers can feel disconnected in midlife. Contact me if you're ready to rebuild with more clarity and connection. Coaching can help you make space for what matters.