How Strong Leaders Can Overcome Self-Doubt

How the identity gap impacts your leadership and what to do about it

What if the biggest barrier to your leadership impact isn’t what you know, but who you think you’re supposed to be?

A familiar pattern appears in nearly every coaching engagement with senior leaders. It’s not always apparent on the surface. It doesn’t make itself known in a team meeting or appear in a KPI review. However, it appears in the delays of decisions, the internalization of feedback, and the amount of energy spent on managing perceptions.

Clients note:

• “I still feel like I’m faking it, even though I’ve earned this role.” 

• “I wish I felt more confident in the room.”

• “I keep beating myself up for not being where I should be.”

• “I take things more personally than I’d like to admit.”

I remember this clearly from my own experience. While running global teams for DST, I dealt with complex international operations, cross-cultural dynamics, and demanding executive expectations. Outwardly, I was performing. But internally, I was caught in a conflict between the leader I was and the leader I believed I should be. It was exhausting. And it wasn’t making me more effective; it was holding me back.

In this post, we’ll unpack why this identity gap is so common among high-performing leaders, how it undermines decision-making and confidence, and most importantly, what you can do to move forward with more clarity, impact, and alignment.

When Confidence Doesn’t Match Competence

Psychology refers to this as the “self-discrepancy,” which is the difference between our actual self (who we believe we are), our ideal self (who we aspire to be, shaped by our values), and our ought self (who we think we’re supposed to be, based on social roles, expectations, or perceived obligations). When these selves are misaligned, it creates a persistent tension. We measure our worth not against what’s true in the moment, but against who we believe we should be, often without questioning where that belief came from. If we don’t examine it, a loop is created: we compare ourselves to these internalized standards, feel we’re falling short, double down on effort or withdraw, and reinforce the same cycle of inadequacy. Over time, this erodes confidence and clarity, not because we’re incapable, but because we’re operating from a fractured internal compass.

One SVP of Sales I coached shared this:

“Any time I have to speak on a topic just outside my core expertise, I overprepare like crazy, because I don’t feel like the version of me who’s supposed to know this stuff already.”

He wasn’t falling short on execution. He was up against the belief that a leader at his level should already be fluent in everything. It wasn’t about his capability but about feeling like he had to become someone else to feel legitimate.

This gap doesn’t stay in your head. It filters into every interaction, decision, and room you’re in.

Try This → “Three Selves” Map

Sketch three columns: Actual Me / Ideal Me / Ought Me. Note 2–3 traits in each. Ask: Which one is shaping my leadership voice today?

Letting Go of the Constant Self

Underneath the identity gap is a deeper misconception: your “self” is a stable, fixed standard you must consistently meet.

But you’re not constant. None of us are. We all know what it feels like to have the flu; you don’t feel like yourself. Or how a night of bad sleep can leave you reactive or foggy. These aren’t signs of weakness. They’re signs of being human. Yet, in leadership, we rarely extend ourselves that same logic. We expect ourselves to lead with clarity, confidence, and composure, regardless of context.

One founder client said:

“I just don’t feel like myself this week.”

And no wonder, she’d just come off three late-night board meetings, was managing a family crisis at home, and still had to show up sharp for investor negotiations. She was holding herself to a standard of consistency that no one could meet under that kind of pressure. She didn’t need to get back to some ideal version of herself. She needed permission to be human and to lead from there.

Try This → Context Check

Before judging your performance, ask:

• What’s influencing me today, energy, pressure, conditions?

• Am I holding myself to a version of me that doesn’t fit this moment?

The Cost of Leading from the Gap

Maintaining an internal ideal rather than leading from clarity takes a real toll. It’s exhausting; it impacts how you can lead and show up in critical moments. You start over-polishing your communication to sound composed, even when directness would serve more. You delay hard conversations, waiting to feel more “ready,” as if confidence must come before action. You overprepare, not out of diligence, but as a defense against the fear that you’re not enough. And you begin to misread feedback, taking it as a reflection of your inadequacy rather than a tool for refinement. All this consumes energy that could be spent leading with presence and conviction.

This isn’t just about self-esteem; it’s about leadership traction. A product leader I worked with was delaying a reorg. Not because the plan wasn’t ready, but because she didn’t feel like the kind of leader who “owns hard calls with certainty.” Her hesitation wasn’t strategic; it was identity-based.

Try This → Alignment Check-In

Ask: What would I do here if I trusted who I already am? What decision is waiting for me to stop proving and start leading?

What Alignment Looks Like

The most trusted leaders don’t lead from perfection but from alignment. They know their values. They accept that self-doubt will show up. And they move forward anyway, not to impress, but to act with integrity.

One executive client finally said,

“I stopped trying to be the guy with quick answers. I’m at my best when I breathe, listen, and say the one thing that matters.” 

That wasn’t weakness; it was clarity. His team responded to it with more trust, not less.

Try This → Essence vs. Persona Audit

Review your last week. When were you leading from your core? When were you performing an ideal? Choose one meeting next week to shift from persona to essence.

Strategic Identity Work

The gap between who you are and who you think you should be isn’t a personal flaw; it’s a leadership blind spot. When we cling to a fixed self-image, we limit agility, erode authenticity, and delay our impact.

But when you question the ideal and realign with what matters:

·      Your presence

·      Your principles

·      Your people

You make clearer decisions, build trust, and demonstrate greater strategic authority.

Quick Recap: Leading Through the Gap

• Identify the self-image you hold onto and recognize its origin.

• Contextualize your leadership: you’re not the same person every day.

• Notice when you’re leading from performance vs. alignment.

• Choose presence over polish.

• Make one move this week from who you are, not who you think you should be.

If you’re navigating this kind of internal challenge in your leadership, reach out, and I’d be glad to explore how coaching can help you lead with more clarity, confidence, and alignment.

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