How to Stop Proving Yourself | Veronica Beard CEO Stephanie Unwin
"I have always felt that I've needed to prove myself." That's Stephanie Unwin, who became the CEO of Veronica Beard this year after thirteen years as its president.
Most of the leaders I coach feel the same way. They get the title or build the company, and a few weeks later they're already chasing the next thing. I did it too. I spent most of my career trying to show my parents, and then everyone else, that I was worth something, and I still catch myself doing it.
Stephanie was my guest on the latest episode of the Midlife Remix. At 22 she left banking and moved to New York to start over in fashion, and she has been building brands ever since. She told me that proving herself matters less than it used to, but it's hard to let go of. At some point you stop proving it to other people and start proving it to yourself. "I think eventually you surrender," she said.
She was also honest about what it costs. She loves her work and her team, and by the end of the day there isn't much left. When I asked about coming home to her family she said, "That is the hardest part," and that she feels she fails at it most times. Very few senior leaders say that so plainly, although most of them are living it, and I respect her for saying it. They're sharp all day, and then they get home, their kid starts telling them about school, and they realize they haven't heard a word.
I think the two are connected, because when you're still trying to prove yourself it's hard to say no, and you end up taking on things that don't need to be yours. Work we care about can leave us tired and still leave something for the people at home. Work we don't want to be doing leaves us with nothing. Stephanie told me she sometimes takes on a challenge and then thinks, maybe this belongs with someone else on the team.
I do a small exercise with clients for this. They rank their values, and then they put a reminder on their calendar three times a day that asks whether what they're doing right now fits those values. Stephanie does something similar. She pauses in the middle of the day and asks, "Does this feel too hard? Am I in the wrong space right now?" She told me she isn't good at it yet, and I'm still practicing too.
Near the end I asked what would still be true about her if the title were taken away tomorrow. "Everything," she said.
What are you still saying yes to because you feel you have something to prove?
The full conversation is linked in the first comment. We also talk about why she wants her two teenagers to be a little uncomfortable and why she doesn't believe in balance.
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