I Took It as a Flaw for Most of My Life

Oct 6

3 min read

When I'm not interested in something I can't make myself focus on it, and when I am I can go so deep that the afternoon is gone. For most of my life I took that as a flaw in me, because nobody ever diagnosed me and I had no other explanation. Looking back I'm pretty sure it was ADHD. October is ADHD Awareness Month, and what I've learned is that it feels completely different depending on whether I'm doing work that fits who I am.

Growing up without an explanation

In school I could never sit still, I talked, and I was constantly distracted or bored. The adults around me decided I was a delinquent and not very smart. Nobody offered another explanation, so I took theirs on, and for about twenty years I did everything the right way, ended up with thousands of people reporting up to me, and was driven the whole time by a fear of being found out.

What ADHD is

ADHD is a difference in how the brain develops, one that starts in childhood and usually continues into adulthood, and it has nothing to do with intelligence or laziness. It also doesn't always include hyperactivity, and people whose main struggle is focus and attention often never think it could be ADHD.

Your brain uses chemical messengers like dopamine to decide what deserves your attention and effort, and in ADHD that system works differently. Researchers at the National Institute on Drug Abuse found that in adults with ADHD, differences in the brain's reward system were linked to motivation scores, and a 2024 review found that dopamine is clearly involved, though the idea that ADHD is simply low dopamine is more mixed than that. I'm not a doctor, but the way I understand it, interest and meaning do for us some of what willpower does for other people.

Where the cost shows up

That's where the cost of running on effort instead of interest shows up in the leaders I coach, who are usually the last people anyone worries about because they keep delivering. A client told me after she was diagnosed with ADHD that her doctor described her evenings, sitting at her desk at seven with nothing left, and she said that was exactly right. The exhaustion gets read as perfectionism or just being tired, when I think a day spent on things that don't hold your interest takes far more out of you than it looks like.

I recognized that seven o'clock, because for a long time I told myself that being exhausted at the end of the day meant I was doing something important, and it never occurred to me to look for another reason.

What makes it worse and what helps

A few things make it worse for me, mainly lack of sleep, being hungover, and being on my phone constantly. What helps is exercise and movement, which calm me down. A 2025 review of studies in adults with ADHD found that exercise improved inhibitory control, the ability to stop yourself from acting on your first impulse. Meditation helps me too, because I can watch my thoughts without attaching to them, so I'm less impulsive and less pulled away by every thought that comes in.

I used to act on and say everything that came into my head.

What changes when the work fits

Looking after those things matters because of what they make room for. Work I care about takes much less effort to focus on because the interest is already there, and I don't dread getting on a call with a client, writing, or recording the podcast. For me, ADHD is close to a superpower when I point it at work that fits who I am. The same ability to go so deep that the afternoon disappears then goes into the work itself, and none of it goes into forcing myself to focus.

Medication can also be very helpful for many people, and I would never want anyone to read this and skip that conversation with a doctor.

I spent most of my life pushing through the things that didn't hold my interest and wondering what was wrong with me when I couldn't. If any of this sounds familiar, this month might be a good time to talk to a doctor about it. I'm curious what gets easier for you when you're doing something you care about.

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